luckylisa

I excused myself from the table and ran to my crying room. The room in which I can sit quietly for just a moment to gather my tattered thoughts. The room where I can wrap my arms around myself as if someone gave a damn about me, giving myself a firm hug. The room where I can sob uncontrollably with snot running down Mixing, blending with the tears that roll down plump cheeks. The room where I can rock myself and hum a sweet tune To try to ground myself back down instead of floating up up up. When I left the table I knew that I wasn't in a good head space. The dam broke lose and the flood gates got stuck wide open. I sobbed as quietly as I could so no one could hear me. The lump in my throat kept getting bigger As my chest had a death grip as I breathed harder and faster. I could feel my skin become hot and prickly My fingernails turning white as I clenched my fists. I began a scalding hot bath so I could cleanse my mind of the dark thoughts that clouded it. My head slipped underneath the water and I screamed as loudly as I possibly could. A blood curdling scream that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up on end. I held my breath and closed my eyes tightly shut Hoping that death would finally find me and take me. I went to the room where dark thoughts could become reality.

When the heart shatters it often does so in a deafening silence. Spinning down, down, down. Spiraling so quickly into a deep darkness, A bottomless pit of despair. Out of control. A pain so raw, so deep that it mutilates the soul forever changing the core. Death is inevitable, tangible, fragile. Unforgiving as it casts an anxiety ridden cloud full of doubt. You never know when it will hit your doorstep. Smack. Boom. Pow. It explodes around you like a ticking time bomb. Grief consumes you until you can no longer move. Tears flow from scared laden eyes as a tightness grabs hold of your chest squeezing so tightly that you can't even breathe. All you want to do is to scream but no sound can escape. You beat bloodied fists against the wall as Your mind mind fucks you as you ask Why? Was it my fault? Did I do enough? Did they feel loved enough? A horrifying reality that engulfs you becoming one with the pain.

I am often asked if I'm okay and I can't even begin to fathom how to answer that let alone answer truthfully. So many emotions floating around at once that I don't know which way is up, down, left, nor right. My mind glazed over with so many feelings bottled up inside that I am bursting at the seams. I always reply with my polite "fine" "okay" with the fake smile I am so accustomed to When the reality is I am slowly, painfully dying on the inside. My heart shattered into millions of jagged edges cutting deeply, so permanently. Each passing day I grab what little inner strength I have left Gritting my teeth as I push forward each day. All I want is to scream not to ask me but I know they only mean well so I plaster my fake happy and pretend that all is well. Inside though inside is where I am not fine not even in the least bit, not even a little. I am as well as a shard of glass can be, so broken and fragile. Holding myself together before I become unglued, unhinged.

I am nothing. That reality hit like a sack of bricks slapping me in the face. Cold hard truth. I am nothing. I will never be anything to you. My heart felt as if it had been ripped out of its cavity Thrown into the abyss.

There you sat nestled between the pages of my mind and heart. Living in the garden of my words that were strewn across tattered paper much like my thoughts of you.

I awoke from my slumber drenched in sweat, my heart racing in my throat. My sheets disheveled with my pillows on the floor. A scream escaping past my lips is what woke me from the nightmare that makes my mind race. Tears stream down rosy red cheeks as I hold myself, shaking Wishing to be held with a whisper in my ear "it's okay it's just a nightmare" But I know better that these are demons inside of my mind, memories in the form of nightmares.

December brought a cold that chilled my bones, a piercing wind that howled. December brought the perfect Christmas tree that was full of love bringing with it a glimmer of hope. December brought death, a dark cloud so ominous. One. Two. Three Four. Each death broke my heart a little bit more. When the dust settled at the end of the week I was left feeling numb. December brought death four fold leaving my heart shattered. I will never forget December and the coldness it brought with it. Seven months later and the tears have finally come like tidal waves crashing against the jetty And I'm left feeling so cold like December.